Urinal-ysis

All this talk of bathroom design has forced me away from my real work and demanded that I engage in internet research about urinal-design. Though it remains a goal for 2007, I still do not possess the proper technical vocabulary to be able to accurately describe the artistic, functional, and theoretical triumphs and failures of the following pieces. Thus, I will let the urine-soaked images speak for themselves, save for what I image to be their respective titles:

"Persian-American Relations"

"Just Another Chance to Laugh at Your Manhood"

"I Really, Really Hated Catholic School and My Therapist Said This Might Help"

"Serenity"
or
"God Wanted Men to Piss on Flowers"

"Paging Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud. Oral Fixation on Line 1."

"Gender Equality"
or
"Vag-U-Suck"
or
"I'd Rather Wait For a Booth than Stand at the Bar"

Trying to Stay Negative

I should try harder to be happier. Happiness is a choice? Ah, no more philosophy for now.

Instead, how about we introduce A New Banal Stories Feature?!?! Yes! Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for: My Daily Annoyances: A Retrospective of All That Annoys.

Today's Daily Annoyances:

The Single-Sex Bathroom that Exists Without a Companion Bathroom.

When I stumble upon a Ladies' Room, I expect a Mens' Room to be within striking distance. But on occasion, the drunken architect wishes ill and the risk of bladder infection upon his patrons, and decides against putting the complimentary facility nearby. Instead, he dreams: Let us make it an adventure, a urine-filled scavenger hunt of sorts! Will he make it on time? Oh, I doubt it, for I have been crafty! You see, my dear reader, I trust the general (and foolish!) instinct of the would-be-peeer to waste precious time looking in those "obvious" spots, like across the hall or to the left or the right of the discovered bathroom. But, oh, that would be too easy, now wouldn't it?!? My bathrooms eschew symmetry and ordered design; in fact, they eschew all forms of modernistic efficiency and logistics. They remain separate, unique, independent of another for form, function, and identity. They are the precursors to postmodern gender politics! Ahahhahahahah - just try and find two as one! You will fail. Men, to the basement, where your precious urinal hides at the end of the hall near the Janitor's Closet. Women, to the second floor, where the door to your porcelain thrones appears awkwardly at the landing of a stairway foyer, just close enough for general patrons of the building to hear you flush. You will go where I say, or you will not go at all. Amen.

(Special thanks to the Carpenter Hall at Dartmouth College for the painful inspiration for this feature. My the gods of architecture damn you to the eleventh level of prefabricated Hell.)

The Indy 500

It is race weekend, and although I care nothing for the sport of racing, I love the Indianapolis 500, mostly because it is the most famous, has the fastest cars, draws the most fans, and because my uncle and aunt have been gracious enough to take me twice.

Essentially: extreme excess fascinates me, and Indy is as extreme as one can get - size, speed, attendance, cost, interest, importance, etc. Plus, I like the catch-phrase, "the greatest spectacle in racing." Wow, they couldn't have chosen a better descriptor: spectacle. Amen.

Where else can you see Lance Armstrong, the guys from American Chopper, Third Eye Blind, David Letterman, and Patrick Dempsey all in the same place on the same day?!?

Which reminds me: I was at Indy last year, and the "celebrities" were taking the slow laps around the track in convertible Chevys. I was walking down toward the infield, near the fence, not more than 25 feet from the slowly passing cars. I saw Patrick Dempsey and yelled out "Hey, Patrick, we both know ER is the better show." I'm proud to say I got a laugh from him.

A final image about the spectacle of just how big Indy is: the track's infield can fit Yankee Stadium, the Wimbledon Campus, the Roman Coliseum, the Rose Bowl, the Kentucky Derby, and all of Vatican City within its borders. See here for an image of comparison.

Oh, and I'm not from Indiana, but I understand the hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-stands-up feeling of provincialism when Jim Nabors sings "Back Home Again in Indiana" before the start of every race. It is warm and beautiful and quintessentially American. Unfortunately, Nabors won't be there this year, but the fans (all 350,000) are slated to sing in unison in his place. What a spectacle that will be!

Avoiding Working on My Final Papers

Billy Bass was funny (read: freaky) for 10 seconds before it became tirelessly unhumourous. This little diddy of American Inventions fails to make it even that long. It isn't hard to see why the Terrorists hate us.

***

When I burp in a room by myself, why do I say excuse me? (Paging Mr. Pavlov...Mr. Pavlov, call for you on Line Crazy!)

***

LOST is (potentially) going in a whole new direction, and the Season Finale left me personally troubled and unsettled. I want to make two points: first, that the title may refer metaphorically to the characters lives before landing on the island, while on the island, and after being rescued from the island. Second, a theme of the first half of the show has been the "failed father figure." Drawing what we can from Jack's "flash-forward" in the last episode, it is possible to hypothesize that a theme from the second half of the show may be "repeating the sins of the father."

***

It is sunny and 81 in New England. I'm going outside...

Noah 2.0

In an attempt to raise awareness of "global warming," Greenpeace is reportedly building a new Noah's Ark on top of Mt. Ararat in modern Turkey.

I'm confused as to how building an ark raises awareness, and am wondering about the following:

1. How many trees did Greenpeace have to cut down to get enough wood to build an ark?

2. It seems like a lot of unnecessary CO2 will be emitted in the process, from plane trips to Turkey, to delivery truck loads of lumber hauled up Mt. Ararat, to deforestation. Could we just hold a press conference?

3. If sea level is only projected to rise 18cm over the next 50 years if nothing is done about "global warming," isn't an ark a bit superfluous? Shouldn't we be building small dikes or filling sandbags instead?

I look forward to Greenpeace's next project: the rebuilding of the Tower of Babel in Iraq as a protest against globalization.

Dare I wonder if they, next year, will celebrate the Passover with fervor anew after recognizing that the killing of the first born may be an answer to the dreadful and increasing problem of global overpopulation?

God help us when they finally get to Leviticus...

American Royalty

The London Daily Mail is reporting that Bush gaffed during a welcoming ceremony for Elizabeth Alexandra Mary at the White House yesterday.

In short, it seems that among other things, it is in bad taste to ;-) WINK ;-) at the "queen."



With a few exceptions, I find the rules of etiquette rather silly and passe, which, if I recall correctly, is the word the French use rather often to describe those things which have "gone by."

Like these aristocratic manners, so too has the "queen's" time passed. The very idea of having a monarchy, however limited or symbolic it is, troubles every democratic sensibility I have. (Related: I laugh a bit whenever the Queen speaks of freedom in the world. Her family/royal tradition has done little for individual sovereignty in the last five hundred years.)

Thus, allow me to make the central point of this post: Many critics, notably high-brow critics, will chide Bush for again failing to act in a manner that could be described as "dignifiedly formal."

But I'm proud of this wink. Perhaps inadvertently, it says: we do things different here in America. We are a little more laid back; we have a Bill of Rights and the right to free speech. If we want to decry the King or President, we can, and not worry about having our balls cut off and hung up as door knockers on the Tower of London. In Texas, we spit, swear, sweat, shoot, shit, and swanker. We do it because we can, because we fought for that freedom, and because such individual expression is the zenith of personal sovereignty in the history of human experience.

You may not like it - many don't; but don't come over to my house and tell me how to act. Margaret Thatcher once put on a cowboy hat and rode horses with Reagan. Why, then, are we putting on White Ties and Tails for a Monarchist who represents the very opposite of Americanism?!?

Time to roll on back to England, Queenie, to the mansion that you didn't build, to the fortune that you didn't earn, and the country that you have done nothing to earn the right to lead. Oh, and enjoy the fact that you don't have to pay any taxes, unlike, say, our President, and every other American who doesn't get to choose whether or not it is proper to be winked at...